prayer

A friend asked me "What do you feel when you pray?" I couldn't really answer right then...but after thinking about it I realize that my prayers usually feel like one-sided conversations or, even worse, just nothing, nothing more than some religious ritual. Yes, Sometimes I talk to God and know he's listening and believe he will answer. Sometimes I even know what he's telling me, even without him actually speaking. But other times I pray and ask him to speak to me; I want him to answer, but I just can't hear him. Or I pray about what's on my mind and completely forget to listen to what he wants me to hear. Or I just say words, not even really realizing that I'm talking to my Creator. And other times I start out praying right, but I wander off into other thoughts until I'm in my own little world, not even thinking about God, much less talking to him. This is not good. Why is it so hard to stay focused the One who deserves our utmost reverence? How do I so easily forget the profound truth that I can actually talk to God, and he listens?

Attitude is so important. I need to remember that Christianity is a relationship, not a religion. Actions are worthless if the heart doesn't back them up. So praying without really meaning it is pointless and meaningless. And it's a two-way relationship so it should be a two-sided conversation. I need to balance my prayers to give thanks, offer requests, and listen. But it's hard to have a conversation with someone you can't see or hear. It's so hard to hear him. Lately, especially, I've had so many questions for him. I wish so badly I could just talk to him face to face or hear his voice and know exactly what he wants for me. But I never hear him. I try so hard to hear him sometimes, and I just don't.

It's really hard when I can't hear him. At times like this I'm supposed to trust. But what about when you don't even know what to trust? What about when you don't know which way to go and he's not telling you? I guess then you just have to trust that he'll show you at the right time. But it's hard. How can I really know what is truth and what his will for me is if he won't speak to me?

Last night I was thinking about all these things and starting to get discouraged. But I was reminded of the book of Job that I had just finished reading. Job had a lot of questions for God too. He cried out to God. He longed to just talk to him face to face and know why God would allow him, a righteous man, to suffer so terribly. Finally God spoke to him. He didn't answer Job's questions, but instead threw some questions at Job. Were you there when the world was made? Do you understand how everything I created works? Have you seen the amazing things I've done? He speaks to Job for three chapters. Every time I read this part of the book, I finish and think, wait, isn't there more? Isn't God going to tell Job that he wasn't punishing him, but was testing him? Isn't he going to tell about how Satan asked God to allow this suffering? But no. God didn't have to tell Job that. He doesn't have to give an explanation for his actions. He's God. That should be enough. If we can't understand everything he created, how can we expect to understand God or why he does what he does? And why should we think that we know what God should and shouldn't do? It should be enough just to realize that he's God and accept what he does.